It seems like such a distant land Kissing her full lips, gripping tight her bony hand Feeling the warmth of skin on skin, grin on grin Christian sin on sin Now it feels like a sad story from a book There’s a man with my head & with a close look, you can see the sorrow as his pupils dilate When gripped in an embrace that he knows cries hate & I can coat it all with the varnish of nostalgia Dust the mundane with a paranormal powder & be the focus of my own dark dreams Reliving the past as the present recedes We are all bound for death & I’m scared ‘cause there isn’t that much time left If there’s infinity beyond then I’m just a sneeze A scratch on the surface, a word on the breeze Death is the only certainty But it’s the steady loss of time that’s hurting me & if I die tomorrow, what the fuck did I bring to this planet? Never got beyond ‘headlit rabbit’ One day I won’t matter Because I’ll be unconscious inanimate matter Stripped of my name, pain & desires & all the bullshit that I made transpire But if nothing really matters, I’m just as important as anything else My actions will change the whole universe My mark will always have been left So why not fuck the place up? Pull myself together, suck the sad face up Slug the haters & lovers, cave their hollow heads in (metaphorically) Discard all trash to the bin Strip myself of ego & channel infinity Share myself with the dead & the creatures that are yet to be Make mine a life that’ll life beyond my breath That is constant & regular & I shouldn’t neglect ‘Cause we are all bound for death & I’m scared ‘cause there isn’t that much time left If there’s infinity beyond then I’m just a sneeze A scratch on the surface, a word on the breeze Death is the only certainty But it’s the steady loss of time that’s hurting me & if I die tomorrow, what the fuck did I bring to this planet? Never got beyond ‘headlit rabbit’ To live a full life is harder than it sounds When surrounded by whores with claws & clowns desperate to impose their way of things Thinking they’re helping when they tell you how to sing Ignorance is the scourge of the earth Nothing’s measured in depth, it’s measured in girth If you have a big ‘un then you’re a don If you have a different then you’ve got summat wrong But to care what they think would loom over a lifetime To cater for a culture’s to dispute that this life’s mine & as life is finite I’ll wear colours through the days To shine on through the cloudy wool with hopeful TiRO rays We are all bound for death & I’m scared ‘cause there isn’t that much time left If there’s infinity beyond then I’m just a sneeze A scratch on the surface, a word on the breeze Death is the only certainty But it’s the steady loss of time that’s hurting me & if I die tomorrow, what the fuck did I bring to this planet? Never got beyond ‘headlit rabbit’ We are all bound for death & I’m scared ‘cause there isn’t that much time left & if I die tomorrow what did I bring to this planet? Will I ever get beyond ‘headlit rabbit’?

‘Can you feel it?’ Can I feel what? I can’t feel anything…thank God I self-administer cranial enemas To drown the beasts in certain areas Y’know, the beasts that think That form opinions & other such things Who needs them though? I decree Thoughts & views? No sir, not me File into lines Never late or early, I’m always on time & my mood or place or day will dictate my outfit’s shade of grey File into lines Come home to dinner, then sex with the wife & if I’m lucky I’ll catch CSI Repeat several thousand times, then die I’m in blissful ignorance It’s so blissful I think I’ll do a little dance Cheek peck for the aunts, then pasture prance Breathe the faithful ambience Things have never shocked or thrilled me But nothing’s ever nearly killed me either & one has to be grown up Take responsibility over their destiny I left school & got my head down Took a business degree like my bros before me & by the end I was in my twenties & there were millions more mes with degrees I got a little office job, married my plain-looking girl & settled & that’s my story & now I’m thirty-three ‘Can you feel it?’ No ‘Can you feel it?’ Can I feel what? We were the popular kids at school Not really that clever, but totally cool I scraped a few GCSEs But I didn’t really care ‘cause I had Steve He’d always look after me He promised me a mansion, diamonds, puppies The world was big, we were young & free, & I had love I was so lucky But Steve grew distant at sixth form Treated me with contempt, with scorn I didn’t understand & he never explained why he had to cause me such pain He worked hard to pass the exams So we could do all the things we’d planned But his coldness carried on to uni He went nearby so he could always be near me I could see he was frustrated & I was so very lonely He stopped me from seeing my friends He thought I should be his one & only Then one day he got so angry that he punched me & raped me & then nine months later we had our first baby Now I sleep around to thrill me My only joy is surface pleasure I wouldn’t care if Steve killed me if he ever caught us together ‘Cause this life really bores me Raising kids is a fucking chore & that man’s beyond redemption (But none of this I’ll ever mention) ‘Can you feel it?’ Not any more ‘Can you feel it?’ I try not to

Love so bulbous, life to fullest Sullied by money, the funniness ain’t clear Swords engorged, ideas hoarded Claw at the gore, at the warrior’s beard Fear me, for I am the fallen Feeling juices ooze when squeezed Bleeding grease & blood & mead Gods be animals wrapped in dreams Great excess: the best sex mess You retch less the more you make yourself Until it becomes the norm The bull-less horns trample the lawn Corn kernels on the cob Dipped in butter, forming blobs Milky udders leak when squeezed Some future mothers reek of sleaze when breathed Stagey gestures, generous measures Treasures hidden behind the air Caring so fast – so fast I missed it! Where? Where? Where? Where? Roman candles lit in the bullshit Sculpted from the jism flakes Baked in cakes, sharing the hair pie No questions asked, like where/why? Guttural groans assist the deception Invisible ink Let that be the lesson – the only one that you need Filled with the blood & the mead We all have hungers to feed We all have buboes to bleed We all know blooms from a seed Don’t we, children? Don’t we? Don’t we?

Hell is being surrounded by anything Hell is being trapped in your own skin Hell is being abnormally attracted to sin Hell is being unable to get out what is within Hell is feeling like screaming but only managing a whimper Hell is feeling your mood plunge on the stroke of winter Hell is knowing what you know you’ll never show Hell is knowing that rowing in rapids is the stuff of dreams But the stuff of dreams can sometimes bleed into reality Hell yes, it’s possible to live your dreams But white begats black & life begats nap & the night is where the mares thrive Dormant in the day, but always alive A constant hive, building legions On hope they thrive So you pray the good will never go away But we by our nature aren’t here to stay We are but infinity, circumstantial clay You will always remain but I might not recognise you The truth is I live in Hell I can never escape what thrives when I’m awake Cursed with a mind that thinks & conjures up such rage, sadness & wonder & this diluted version of life is just a distraction from the pursuit of self Individuality: such a rare commodity Idiosyncrasies: the teller of the oddity It’s so very sad to be lonely But knowing you’re a one & only is continuing a legacy full of honour That will continue when I’m a goner

I walk down the street at twelve midnight I can see my blue house bathed in the street lamplight I walk in the road ‘cause it’s utterly empty I’ve done the same thing during summer as well ‘Cause when I do, with my face in the air I feel right in the middle of my life, of this world I feel overwhelmed at the beauty & the grandeur But it lets me know that my heart bleeds pure I look behind, side to side, forward…& there’s no one I’m all alone & I’ve never been so happy Not a car, nor a scream from afar Just me & my thoughts of the night just passed The grass in the park is covered with a white sheet The salt didn’t mute what desired to speak & now that it’s said its words to me It’ll no doubt melt into a puddle of memories I step on to the pavement & nearly slip over Some melted has refrozen into ice But the slight fear of falling over is nice Mild exhilaration brightens up my life A life that’s usually so full of darkness That it takes darkness to provide the light I will never forget tonight The snapshot of her there exposed & bright…

August is wicked month I’d slay it if I was quick enough, sick enough If I was slick enough with my decisions, had precision If I was confident enough To use my sharpened to thrust with surety into its heart To forget my poetry & make murdering my art To make playing God a craft To not shiver in the draught To chop my toes off & let myself drop Mint-like-dirt detergent, it’s urgent Flirting, preadolescent buttocks pressing together The chunky gets unlumpy then gets loads of rumpy-pumpy Her kind & lovely mummy watches, helpless & enraged Life is just a stage to the daughter Pleasure is the water, adulation is the ego’s masturbation & she convinces herself that she’s adored But she only gets attention ‘cause she’s a whore I think I’d rather take it out than leave it in & yeah, it leaves me in stitches sometimes, but never the good kind I was Mercutio wounded: I just wanted your friendship Now I perish from a knife wound made near the hip I think I’d rather cut the lumps out of my life-lino Avoid the deeper pleasures & become a wino Live life in a haze outside of the maze in silvers & greys Drink pilfering days August is the wickedest month I hear their voices outside having such fun I smell the sausages on barbecue grills Adventures with men with gills & I know the summer sun will bring the summer heat & she’ll put her summer shoes on her perfect summer feet Then she’ll walk to some(er) place to flash her tits & cunt & face & she’ll call it ‘liberated’, this prostitution gratis Has she had it up the arse yet? August ends but the terror won’t leave me alone Because after August, September comes

November 10th 1991 I remember sitting in the Beetle, going over speed bumps Then I’m running down the hospital corridor Then I stop when I’m just in the door Such is my awe at the beautiful creature sleeping in my mum’s arms A pale, frail angel I was completely disarmed For the first time ever rendered speechless By a tiny little silent little lovely bald princess I woke up naked & put some pyjama trousers on I trotted to the front room, & Dad & Nan were there But Mum was gone I think they were assembling a welcome home poster or something Most of it may be confabulation But I remember one thing, & that is seeing you The first glance of the being that was destined to grow into you: Ruby-Ree A lovely little trucker far braver than me Nowadays we live for the comedy Silly sounds & cat spaceships We’re not little any more…well, not as little as we were Shit has occurred, but that’s life But through the sour times you are the sweetener (Though at certain times you couldn’t be less sweeter) I can be a cunt & you can be a bitch But you’re the only one who can make my sides split November 10th is when you were born I hope you will be there when I’m inevitably poor

I see a brown smear on the tip of your nose ‘God only knows where that nose goes’ …is what I might say if I didn’t know exactly You leave a trail like a slug, live knickerless You follow hound dogs when it gets dark Paint stars on your eyes so you always see sparks But when you realise they aren’t there Night follows day, so you just don’t care Tropical Neapolitan ice cream Stirring, stirring, stirring vanilla Cheap thriller A rainbow beam shines through the clouds to make the mouth gleam See the spit shine on the new bike? Them’s rubber tyres without the spokes If you wanna ride it, not too firm ‘Cause I saw the owner got thigh burns You can’t call it free, ‘cause you dress to impress & to dress to impress means to dress in less People know you as a sket: You’re not popular, you’re just well known & you’ll moan with sickening eloquence when you come home empty – If you even come home Do you need to come home when you are a cum-home? Would you do it bum prone even with your mum home? Let’s call it self-delusion What you confuse is an illusion & one time it’d cause me bruising, but now I’m just disgusted People call it natural, call it base instinct Only because they feel the need to excuse it & if you say you’re free, you’re deluded or a liar ‘Cause you’re never free from your sick desires

Blocking me out won’t make me disappear When you uncover your eyes I will still be here Always near, no matter the distance Close to your heart despite your resistance Though not holding it (at your insistence) I could grab it & rip it out Eat it & shit it out of my lovely pert bottom Thought it’d give me diarrhoea ‘cause the meat is so rotten We both know there’s no one like me & now your teeth will never bite me You will never ever taste my marmalade mayonnaise Blocking me out won’t make me disappear Always near, no matter the distance Close to your heart despite your resistance When you uncover your eyes I will still be right here

I live for you & for you I’d die So why is it every single night I cry? Shouldn’t I be happy that I have you here? Shouldn’t I be happy that I have you near? Shouldn’t I feel joy that I’ve finally found you after so many years? It’s true what they say about finding love when & where you least expect it & you’ve got a chance of happiness, but you reject it I want do die ‘cause your allure is inexorable Despite the prevalence of your malevolence towards me All I do is wish that I be what you want Reality & dreams blurred because both realms you haunt & the spirit of desire roars like a fire & my heart is charred Solitarily burned ‘cause yours is barred It shouldn’t have to be this hard I live for you & for you I’d die So why is it every single night I cry? You’re lying next to me but I feel so alone You wouldn’t care if you were sleeping on your own Obviously we don’t feel the same way, because we’re separate beings & that won’t change The difference is I would at least try But you never will, so I lie here & cry

Fuck this mind I can’t help possess If I blew it out who’d clear up the mess? Fuck the petty guilt that cripples my conviction The sense of obligation & the hatred of all friction Fuck the people flurry-punching all their views Regurgitating lies that they heard on the news Fuck the way they look when you go against the grain Even though they know if you did it would cause you mental pain Fuck the crescent moon that I stared at tonight Giving me hope with its reflected light Fuck the fox that killed our lovely rabbit It saw the opportunity & grabbed it Fuck every utter bitch who quivers my dick I want to reach for a scythe Fuck all the surface shit that people think makes up a full life Fuck the sadness that reigns in my brain Fuck the rage that permeates my days Fuck the everything that words cannot convey Fuck the certainty of the uncertainty of everything Fuck the fact that we are born into chains We plop into the world & then are forced into lanes La vie est merde from a bird’s eye view & from the mouths & in their eyes too Sometimes I get overwhelmed Overcome with despair that I can only be here & is it really me at the helm When wherever I go I am already there? I sure don’t feel in control So I think about art & suicide Thought I’m just a channel with foolish pride Convinced that the brave are those who stay alive The world is big, so big & alive So why must people colonise? What is it with them & their lust for power? They assert & breed & then devour We’re told the way we should live life is to contribute to the way of things But how will we evolve if no one thinks? What things of betterment will anyone bring? Fuck the sadness that reigns in my brain Fuck the rage that permeates my days Fuck the everything that words cannot convey Fuck the certainty of the uncertainty of everything Fuck the fact that we are born into chains We plop into the world & then are forced into lanes La vie est merde from a bird’s eye view & from the mouths & in their eyes too The surety that I am alone because I refuse to bear myself prone Terrifies me in so many ways: People are content to be others’ underlay & I see the signs – don’t think I haven’t noticed Sometimes it seems to heavy-handed If they’re not meant for me they just ignore me suddenly & I’m on my own again I try to just ignore it I’d never be able to decipher it – it doesn’t obey any logic So I carry a precious locket: The knowledge that I’m brilliant Thought the mundanity chases, so belligerent Though stagnancy surrounds me, I will never let it hound me Though everything turns rotten, my individuality will not be forgotten No matter how isolated I am No matter how sad & tired a man I become From the years of battling though all the bile & fists & poo There is one fact that’ll keep me alive: At least I’m not dead inside